( These pages reflect the views and practice of Keith Bibby - this is an Ericksonian
It is not intended to describe the work of other practitioners )
Introduction : -
Falling in love is generally deeply disturbing. Like the poets - neuro-biologists
have shown it is characterised by hormonal patterns & psychological symptoms akin
to madness. Naturally our joinings are often surrounded with an intensity of hope
and expectation that life will likely test quite severely.
So there we are - two us ( at least ), each with their own history, connections,
capacities and reactions. Ideally we stand to make wonderful gains - or we can more
than double the trouble.
Different stages in life bring in a variety of pressures with varying degrees of
intensity. Many are inescapable. ( In a classic and now venerable piece of research,
Holmes & Rahe demonstrated that all life changes, whether bad or good, stress us
and affect our physical health - some to quite a surprising extent. )
Old ingrained patterns - overlaid with many veneers of learned adjustment - can
suddenly break out and carry us along against our will. Under pressure we are more
likely to distort perceptions and thought patterns, react with ill-founded interpretations
and imaginings and discount or be blind to significant needs, feelings and intuitions
in ourselves and our partners.
Sometimes we can be perfectly well aware that we are getting something wrong or ‘not-at-all
clever’ but either we can’t - or are only able to stop ourselves with difficulty
or at disproportionate cost. At other times we just don’t know. This is where our
It is a rare person who does not sustain some psychological damage in the process
of growing up. Conflicts with others and within ourselves usually are most intensely
expressed or acted out within the highly charged context of our relationships. These
conflicts have some characteristics which may be commonly recognised - but since
we are all individuals - most are unique to each relationship. How we learn to manage
that is important !
Without intensive probing, other people cannot know or truly understand our difficulties.
Often they give well-intentioned but misleading and conflicting advice. This hardly
helps where experience and behaviours are already very upsetting and confusing -
sometimes seeming beyond our control.
When such matters threaten to take on an unsustainable intensity it is advisable
to get professional help. Even the most complex of situations generate patterns
- most of them unconscious. An experienced relationship counsellor with the right
kind of training can help you to recognise and understand these. With correct guidance
you can also learn how to recognise and change what happens for yourself.
Pattern recognition is at the core of Ericksonian work - whether we are dealing
with Individual Psychotherapy or Relationship Therapy. In Relationship and Couple
Counselling it is extremely effective in connecting us with and liberating us from
these unconscious drivers. We do this through learning to understand, recognise
and interrupt our own and each other’s runaway patterns. Recognising the personal
damage and difficulties underlying our problems we can also take responsibility for
our own thoughts and actions and become more kind to ourselves and helpful toward
So these intense difficulties - and their overcoming - can be the gateway to much
deeper understanding - more profound connection and mutual appreciation.
Good psychological adjustment comes with the acceptance of our own and others’ qualities,
the affirmation of our own strengths and needs and those of others, and the ability
to give assistance to and solicit the help of others in the pursuit of personal well-being
and mutual benefit.
I hope that my services may offer useful ways for you to achieve what you want in