FATAL ATTRACTION - SOLVING A RELATIONSHIP PARADOX
Individual development generates patterns that attract individuals with similar vulnerabilities. Some are obvious. Both may have experienced family violence, early bereavement, a deserting parent or life-threatening illness….etc. We are more at ease with those who - unconsciously - try to avoid or get round similar discomfort.
‘No go areas’ are created around unpleasant experience & memories. Situations which later evoke similar emotions provoke strong - often irrational reactions - which are often not at all straightforward.
Avoiding issues may equally provoke the other. Having experienced paralysing avoidance before - they can react by ‘pushing through’ issues - pressing the first into uncomfortable places & sparking other issues as a focus for new fights. Thus original difficulty remains un-addressed - continually surfacing and being evaded.
Whether very alike or refreshingly different, our similar unconscious sensitivities distract & ‘ protect ’ each of us from hidden ‘no-go’ areas in many ways.
Unconscious attraction results - evident in the frequency with which people find a new partner who shares a strange ‘life-long’ familiarity & unspoken understanding.
The illusion can fail. Initial ‘understanding’ may become better established as the relationship unfolds - usually after considerable work on both sides. Or the couple does not develop skills & insights necessary to deal with their ‘difficult’ stuff.
Safe & comfortable can become boring and dispiriting - unpredictable & amusing may become thoughtless and irritating. We then discover how adept we can be at pushing each others buttons & provoking difficulty. Primitive feelings are evoked.
Conflict emerges. Wounding attacks are made on partners’ egos. You become obnoxiously ‘just like your mother / father ' - not likely to elicit a gentle response ! And the gloves are off - ‘ adult children ’ fighting ancient parental battles !
Adult conflict - with feelings engaged - can be healthy. Without mature ways of addressing differences - but bitching and sniping, hitting on raw nerves - relationship becomes increasingly heated - or cold & remote.
Dead relationships exist where people settle for the ‘peace and quiet’ of joyless neutrality - jogging along with little expressed aggravation or experienced reward.
It can be better than this !
Children suffer. Irrespective of how we hide it - children have sensitive antennae & absorb both good and unhealthy atmospheres. Despite our efforts to avoid this, children themselves are destined to reproduce similar unconsciously learned behaviours with partners and offspring one or two decades down the road.
Therapy and Couple Counselling can make life happier NOW - prevent damage from cascading down the generations - repaying the cost many times over.
So - why not DO something about it - NOW ! Contact Keith Bibby Copyright Keith Bibby © December 2009 >> Return __________________________________________________________
Keith Bibby - Bsc(Hons) Dip EHL/NLP FCRAH
Outcome - Oriented ( Ericksonian ) Psychotherapy & Hypnotherapy
Individual Couple & Relationship Counselling
25 yrs Behavioural science Experience
Without realising it - we are naturally sympathetic toward and careful of the same bunch of unconscious sensitivities in the other. So, whether as a pair we seem very alike or refreshingly different, we manage not to venture into our hidden psychological ‘no-go’ areas
and thus to ‘ protect ’ ourselves and each other from them.
The power of this unconscious attraction is evident in the frequency with which people report that - from the very first - their partner seemed
to be one with whom there was a strange familiarity and unspoken understanding. Unfortunately, such a report is not at all a reliable predictor of a relationship’s success or longevity.
This initial ‘understanding’ can indeed evolve into its genuine counterpart as the realities of the relationship unfold - but usually not without considerable work on both parts. Sadly, instead, it can prove to be complete illusion and fail - because the couple has not been helped or helped each other to acquire the skills to deal with their ‘difficult’ stuff.
Over time - safe and comfortable can become boring and dispiriting - unpredictable and amusing may become thoughtless and irritating - we begin to discover how adept we can be at pushing each others buttons and provoking sudden difficulties.
Where this happens, very powerful reactions defend our unconscious vulnerabilities. Primitive feelings are evoked and powerful retaliatory assaults are mounted against the partner’s ego, often accompanied by wounding characterisations and cutting personal insults.
A particular tendency may frequently be referenced to illustrate how obnoxiously you are ' just like your mother... or father ' - not exactly guaranteed to elicit a gentle response - and indeed - the gloves are off - and the ‘ adult children ’ are fighting !
Although adult conflict - with the feelings engaged - is healthy, many people have not learned to access this more mature way of expressing and resolving their differences. Instead they find themselves bitching and sniping, hitting on raw nerves and becoming increasingly cold and remote. Otherwise they engage in increasingly heated encounters and destructive spirals.
Many, for the sake of some ‘peace and quiet’, settle into a relatively joyless neutrality - and just jog along with little in the way of expressed aggravation or experienced reward.
Whether its empty or unpleasant, active or unspoken, and irrespective of what we may do to keep it away from them, children can have very sensitive antennae and absorb both good and unhealthy atmospheres and behaviour patterns in an almost uncanny way.
Still holding resentments for what their parents have done to them - and despite their very best efforts to avoid being like them, the children, in turn as grown adults, are destined to reproduce many of these unconsciously learned performances with their own partners and offspring one or two decades down the road.
AND SO WILL YOURS - UNLESS YOU DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE THINGS.
Using therapy to prevent these hurts and handicaps from cascading down the generations is one of the more beneficial outcomes to be gained - and one which spares much unhappiness and repays many times as children themselves become adults and parents.
So why not DO something about it - NOW !
Even if you think it’s a bit late, your example in making an effort now can help them later on to be wiser and to go earlier for help when their own difficulties arise.
Copyright Keith Bibby © December 2009 >> Return
Ericksonian Relationship & Couple Counselling
Keith Bibby 35yrs Full-time Experience
Bsc(Hons) Dip EHL/NLP FCRAH ECP UKCP
0208 673 6311 firstname.lastname@example.org